The Birth of Piper Rose

Dec. 19, 2011

Dear Piper Rose,
So much to say about your coming into this world. I lay here with you now, finally here and I am awash in the tears and the wonder that is the fullness of you. I have felt it since before you came and I feel it now. It is the only word I have right now, full, so here.
I knew you were coming before any test could tell me. I was given by who I call my angels the answer to my question about more children that a baby girl would come in December 2011. I was so excited at this news because I wanted so much for Noelle to have a sister. I took pregnancy tests in Jan Feb and March. The March 4th test was negative and I was surprised at this since this would have been the correct timing. For some reason, I can't quite remember now, we pulled the test out of the trash and it was positive. We hadn't waited long enough before looking at it before. Again I was overjoyed, what had been only a thought, an intuition, was real. You were real.
Through the summer in Angel Fire, Boulder, and Santa Fe you grew. I watched your brother and sister grow and play and I loved them so deeply, I knew you could feel it, I knew you knew I would love you like that too. That is one thing I can promise you little girl. I love my children with every part of me and then I pray to God asking to help love you more because you deserve the highest and most unconditional love I can find in myself to give. It is the only thing I have ever wanted so much, to love you all purely and deeply.
We came home to lots of business, using the Fall to ready our home and the business for your arrival. There was stress and conflict as I tried to make sure you would have a gentle place to come. A place fit for a new life.
I wanted you to wait until you were ready. I thought you might be coming at the beginning of Dec but you waited. And we talked. I asked you questions about what you would need from me. I told you what I wanted. I told you I loved you and to help me become who you needed me to be.
In the early morning of Dec 19 I started feeling contractions. I lay with them for awhile and then fell asleep. I woke at 5 and they were still there. I had been up and down all night with Sterling. I called the midwives and they came by to check on me. Labor just wouldn't keep a rhythm though. I had contractions off and on all day, I became very tired. Later that night I was tired and your brother and sister were fighting and I was feeling overwhelmed. So we lit the candles Noelle and I had made for you and I put on the music I had been collecting for your birth and we danced. Noelle spun, Sterling spun, your dad spun, and I spun. It was one of those perfect moments that you hope your memory is strong enough to hold onto forever. I felt the contractions more regular and strong as we were dancing. I would see a white feather that I would focus on to remain soft and open. Noelle’s energy feels like Christmas to me, Sterling’s is strong like a tree, and you feel like a feather, a perfect white feather. Not long after this it became difficult for me to care for your brother and sister and so we calked your Aunt Lindsay and the midwives.
The contractions were very strong and quick and over the next couple hours I thought for sure things were progressing quickly. I felt you moving down and even felt urged to push so I asked the midwife Jenee to check my cervix. It was much less further along than I thought, 5 cm. This was hard for me to hear. I was so tired, I didn't know how I was going to do this anymore. Every time I would relax too much I would fall asleep and then a contraction would come and jar me awake and I wouldn't have time to breathe through it and stay on top of it and this was scary for me. So I kept standing. Finally I became so exhausted it was clear I was going to have to rest. The contractions were much stronger laying down, but I just couldn't stand anymore. I sort of gave up and decided I would just let everything come. I would release all my breathing techniques and my visualizations. I would release any bit of control I thought I had and that I had experienced in other labors. I lay on my side with your dad and I fell asleep in between contractions.  I remember dreams and images playing behind my eyes, but I can't remember of what. I like to think it was you. I would awaken to a strong contraction and I would talk to you to find strength, I would tell you what I was feeling, ask you for breaks sometimes, reassure you we were going to do this. Time slipped away and it was just me and you in the deep dark place where secrets are revealed, where strength is forged. Where birth happens.
Your brother woke up and your Dad went to get him and I awoke from my daze. I felt far off still, like I was in water. Things were just sensations and my mind still wasn't understanding what they meant. I was talking to the midwife when I noticed water down my legs but it took me a bit to realize your water had broken. The midwife checked my cervix and it was almost complete. Not long and a couple of pushes to help you move down and I was in the birth pool. My rest had energized me and I felt so connected to my body while moving you down. I could feel everything. I could feel the exact instant I needed to engage with the contraction and push. I could feel your body move. I just knew what to do. It was amazing. And then I felt your head. The anticipation, the relief, the heart aching happiness I felt to know I would meet you soon. Another couple of pushes and you were in my arms, bathed in water and candlelight, the Christmas tree glowing in front of us. My Christmas baby, my Piper Rose. You were so beautiful and pink and smooth. You looked to me like your brother and sister and I couldn't have felt more in love.

Your father and I had a few moments with you and then your brother awoke. He looked at you put his hand on you and said "Tis". Then you both nursed together.
Later your sister woke and I told her you were here and she said "I told you she was a girl." She was so excited to see you weighed and examined by the midwives. She just kept saying "She is so cute!"
Then you and I took an herbal bath in the candlelight of your candles. You watched the flickering firelight for so long it seemed. I sang to you and it was in those moments I felt the Rightness of it all. In the next few days as your loving presence would lift the veil of misunderstanding off my eyes I would see the perfection of how you came to us and the gifts it brought to this mother’s soul. Your light has revealed so much to me already and I know with all my heart this is only the beginning. We have quite the journey ahead of us my baby girl.

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